Chapter 33 – Social Awkwardness

10 10 2008


A little known disease is running rampant in our society. Sufferers can experience its unpleasant effects at any time, anywhere. It is known as Social Awkwardness (scientifically, Lonelium doofus).

Social Awkwardness affects people of all nations, of all body types, and from all walks of life. There is no known cure, although if the symptoms are recognised most of the ill effects can be alleviated.

The following are symptoms of Social Awkwardness:

  1. The subject feels confused when placed in a social setting. This may be expressed in the form of panic attacks or nervous breakdowns, but most commonly takes the form of a perpetually bewildered expression.
  2. The subject may be at a loss for words when confronted with a perfectly normal situation. When the subject does say something, it will likely be embarrassingly personal, vague and mumbled, or a non sequitur. This will probably be met with a long, awkward silence.
  3. The room will mysteriously fall silent the moment the subject speaks, allowing every individual in the vicinity of the subject to hear the subject’s latest faux pas.
  4. The subject will exhibit clumsiness and apparent carelessness, despite the subject’s best efforts to appear a normally functioning human being. Crashing into tables and stumbling are common.
  5. The subject will have difficulty in starting a conversation. The subject will mostly likely choose a trivial topic of conversation such as the weather, or a topic which is of interest only to the subject, such as an obscure or unfashionable band.
  6. In extreme cases, the subject will be utterly rejected by the subject’s peers. If this happens, the only hope for the subject is relocation to an entirely new area.

If you or anyone you know exhibits two or more of these symptoms, that person may be suffering from Social Awkwardness. Professional help is recommended.

Alternatively, contact Dr. C. AreGatheringOverMe for sympathy and understanding.




5 responses

10 10 2008

Some other symptoms include the tongue swelling up to twice it’s normal size and turning to wood [this may only be illusionary] extreme flushing giving the face a slightly beetroot appearance, excessive sweating [patient should resist sniffing under the armpits] eyes may roll around as though looking for a stone to crawl under. I am a chronic case if suddenly hurled into the spotlight Clouds. The cure? just tell people over and over “I’M SHY” that usually brings the best in people and they make allowances for you.

CloudsAreGatheringOverMe: I respect your skills of self-diagnosis! Haha, you sound almost as bad as me – almost! And I do that “I’m shy” thing too!

We could start our own club. We’d invite other sufferers along, and every Friday we’d all sit around together in a circle in an uncomfortable silence!

10 10 2008

i suffer from nos. 1, 2, 4 and 6!!! in fact i just quit my job because i couldn’t get along with my colleague!!! omg, what’s gonna happen to me? am i going to, *gasp* die??

CloudsAreGatheringOverMe: A serious case! Perhaps you should join the club with me and gentledove? I’m sorry to hear about the job, and I hope you have better luck in future.

Worry not! Social awkwardness is seldom fatal! Although I’m afraid raincoaster is perfectly correct, and you are going to die.

11 10 2008

Yes, sulz, you are going to die. If it’s any consolation, even gregarious people die.

11 10 2008

Oh, if ONLY rooms fell silent when I spoke. See, this quiz is no good for egotists like me!

CloudsAreGatheringOverMe: Congratulations! I pronounce you not a sufferer of social awkwardness! Instead, you suffer from egotism, a completely different yet equally frightening ailment!

11 10 2008

sampat! lol

CloudsAreGatheringOverMe: What’s sampat?

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